So. I better get to this ish before I
happily destroy all of the horror forget my trip to the Midwest. I arrived early on Friday the 29th, so after our little religious burger experience and my subsequent discovery that I’d be sleeping out in the open-ass dining room, I immediately sought three things: phone service, a vegetable that wasn’t fried, and the internet.
OH, INTERNET, my dear love. Fresh veggies and phone service, my darlings! You have no idea what you mean to me. I had no idea what you really meant to me. Until this trip.
Hey you guys: you know what the Midwest has? Miles and miles of open sky. Unsurpassed space for network towers. Fields upon fields of fertile soil in which to plant many vegetables.
Do you know what it doesn’t have? THE F*%$ING INTERNET, working mobile service, or a variety of produce. Instead: my brain dying because I paid $20 for a 3G Mobile Hotspot on my Android to correct the internet issue, which proved completely effing useless because you have to have a functioning mobile network for it to act as an internet hub. And corn, only corn, just corn. All. Of. The corn.
Look, I know corn is in like, everything. Literally. Hair products, every food ever that is packaged, makeup, medication, fuel. But you guys. The land taken up by corn production in the middle of this country is god damn mind-boggling. There was a point on our drive (oh yes, DRIVE. Don’t worry, I’ll get there) back to California that I thought, shit, we died somewhere back there because of that procession of windblown, triple-car FedEx trucks and this endless strip of dead road and corn is actually not middle-America but hell in its truest form! MAN I hope my underwear was clean when they found my body.
Really, I was only in Indiana for seven days. A lot of that time was spent working (the internet being a loser was REALLY fun for the web conferences and email exchanges necessary to being an editor, but I could still read book chapters!), going to the “store” (a bar down the street) or going to the store (by myself, to purchase booze that I hid under the bed). You see, my extended fam frowns a bit on the whole drinking extravaganza, but there was no way I was going through that shit sober and they don’t sell booze on Sundays, so I had to stock up.
Anyone who went under my bed that week would’ve thought I was f*ckin’ Johnny Cash risen from the grave.
The first six of those days, in addition to drinking and working, included a lot of quality grandma time (awesome), quality mom-and-niece time (also awesome, I taught her to say ‘horsies’ and how to squat like a frog and say ribbit! ….my niece, not my mom), church (mmph) and random appearances by my many ridiculous cousins. I could easily talk about how effed their general attitudes are (racism? Come now, that’s just being NICE) but I won’t. For most of them, it’s a matter of sheer ignorance, and I can’t blame them entirely for that.
What I will share, with much shame, is that my IDIOT PIG COUSIN (mentioned in my previous post) who lives like a sad with his wife in my grandma’s house, has a KKK hood in the garage. There ya go, Junior. I’ve outed you, you stupid bigot. YOU AREN’T FOOLING ANYONE BY DRAPING IT OVER THE COMPUTER AND CALLING IT A SHEET. GOD.
It’s cool though. I took a Sharpie and wrote “d–khead” on the bottom, so hopefully he won’t notice until he’s wearing it and chanting with his brainless cohorts around a giant burning cross, or whatever the eff they do. Dumbshits.
In other news: the insects of the middle country are giant. I’ve said it before and will continue to flip out about it because ants traipsing around and being the size of my pinky nail are bullshit. As are spiders who fight back when you Raid them. Seriously, it happened three times and I’m pretty sure the third one was carrying a tiny dagger in one of its… hand-feet. NOT COOL, NATURE.
On our last day with the fam, we went to the grand ol’ Indiana State Fair. That’s next up, with pictures, so stay tuned.