Chelsi: I’m just reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman
: anything to get Twilight out of my head
: because every time I consider a story to write, it has something to do with vampires named Edward
Me: why on EARTH would you want to write about anything else?
Chelsi: LOL dude. It’s so bad
Me: CLEARLY THAT MARKET HAS NOT BEEN TAPPED ENOUGH.
Chelsi: seriously, if I were to try and write a book about towels right now, they’d end up being bloodsucking towels that shine in the sunlight
Me: THE BANDWAGON IS NOT TIPPING OVER AND SPILLING DEAD AWFUL BOOKS INTO THE STREET AT ALL.
Chelsi: I’m laughing so hard right now
: please write about bloodsucking towels
: I have to finish American Gods, Anansi Boys…
Me: I will give you five cookies to write me a short story about bloodsucking towels
Me: FIVE COOKIES. I AM SO HAPPY
Chelsi: SO DONE
: IM STARTING TOMORROW
Chelsi: and I will write it in a Stephenie Meyer fashion
Me: oh EXCELLENT
: so you’ll be using the word “pilled” at least 58 times, yes?
Chelsi: “the towel felt cool on my 98.6 degree body…”
Me: oh. my good lord.
: OH MY GOOD LORD.
Chelsi: “it was smooth… like marble. I traced the fibers with my tongue…”
Chelsi: “and that’s when it bit me”
Me: EW GOD
: SHE IS SO BAD
: I’m crying
Me: my face is the shade of Bella’s lips as she leaned towards Edward for a final kiss…
Chelsi: “it was so effortlessly graceful, there on its rack”
Chelsi: “I knew it would make the most sensual blanket on this sunny day.. . the first we’d had since June 12, 1943. But it wasn’t until I brought it outside, in the sunlight, that I knew its true power”
Me: “Suddenly I saw a shadow grace the wall. The movement was slight yet so obvious, like that of a pilled cardigan wafting in the breeze…”
Chelsi: “the shimmer was like nothing I’d ever seen…”
Me: “The fibers sparkled like the dew of a morning flower…”
Chelsi: “like a million sparkling diamonds wrapped around my body..”.
Me: “Trailing stars into the night sky.”
Chelsi: “as the last image I saw in my normal life, it was like going to heaven…”
“the next thing I knew, I too, was a shimmering, bloodsucking towel”
OH, THIS DELICIOUS NEW BODY
[fyi, readers, that line right there is why she’s my friend. Amazing.]
Me: “surrounded by a million shining fibers…I was a russet-colored towel, with russet trim and russet fibers.”
Chelsi: I JUST SPIT
Me: oh man
: I keep thinking about it.
: how it just…soaks up blood for sustenance
Chelsi: I WAFTED LIKE I’D NEVER WAFTED BEFORE
: EVERYTHING WAS SO CLEAR IN THIS 1200 THREAD COUNT BODY
Me: don’t forget the qualifier…”Like a beach towel on the beach, only lighter, and more russet.”
: “I wasn’t quite Egyptian…yet not any longer a girl.”
IS GOING TO BE THE BEST SHORT STORY
Me: YES, IT IS
: oh but before she becomes a towel, make sure she gives birth to a half-human, deadly washcloth.
[After discussing S. Meyer’s other tragic attempt at literature, “The Host”]
Chelsi: it’s kind of like she thought the success of Twilight meant she could turn every batshit idea into a best-selling novel
: but dude, we were so ready for some vampires. It had been a long time. We couldn’t live on Anne Rice forever
Me: her timing was impeccable
Chelsi: and Buffy was outdated
Me: that slut
Chelsi: it WAS
: STUPID SLUT
Me: She really is a dumb slut.
Chelsi: it’s all in the timing. If she shits out another multimillion dollar series, I’ll shut my trap
: but NOT until then
Me: she won’t. She doesn’t have enough brain cells
Chelsi: also, I love Twilight
Me: oh me too, obviously
: but dude
Chelsi: thank you Stephenie Meyer, for Twilight
Me: one hit wonder
Chelsi: it is the inspiration for my towel story, after all
Chelsi: what should I call it?
Me: HA! Hrm…
Chelsi: Timed Cycle?
Me: TIMED CYCLE
Me: “Hung Dry”…?
: I do like Timed Cycle tho
: it has DEEPER MEANING
[Later that day…]
Chelsi: I have a document in my Google Docs list titled “Threadbare Lovers.”