This is me:


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My horoscopes have been telling me for like, two years that a “financial windfall” is imminent. Am I misunderstanding what a windfall is? Is it actually Zodiac code for ‘@$%# you’?

Should probably stop listening to advice that appears on sites boasting 75% off psychic readings and ‘spiritual FAQs’.

In other news:

This man is so sad that this picture exists.


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Things that happen when you Google…

“You are the worst.”

1. The Google search suggestion “you are the worse.” Really?
2. This fanTASTIC Tumblr exchange:

I want to meet this person.

3. An unexpected number of butt pictures.
4. Goth Harry Potter.
5. Uhm.

5. Uhm #2.

6. Smittens. I want one JUST to see the look on my dude’s face when I bring it home and pretend to be serious.

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“You cannot be your own filter. If you’re always told that you’re right, you will eventually believe it, and that is dangerous to not only yourself, but to everyone you talk to. We all need editors. If you don’t believe me, go sit through all three prequels. You know the ones I’m talking about. I don’t even have to say the name.”

-John Cheese, Writer

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Confessions, #25

#25: Probably unknown (possibly “guilty”) pleasures. Talk about them.

Desperate Housewives. Any and all Investigation Discovery shows. Sweet Valley High books. V.C. Andrews novels. Nineties music, especially Alanis and Jewel. Twilight (OH, THAT’S RIGHT); the books, the movies, and anything else that has to do with it. Josh Hartnett. Putting soy sauce on my salad. Pretending to be in a music video when I listen to ANY MUSIC. Imagining what I’ll do when, someday, I run into the people that left me behind. Getting mildly drunk and letting my imagination take the wheel, completely. Dancing around in my living room when I’m alone, until I either step on a cat or run into the coffee table. Celebrity-obsessed, trashy magazines. Drawing naked ladies, ballet dancers and ethereal scenes. Painting with water colors. Watching videos of people having their dreams come true (think: competition shows’ winning moments). Kaiser Permanente commercials (that LADY always makes me cry). Talking about anything with my brother, except his girlfriends, who tend to suck a whole lot. Green olives and cream cheese, eaten together, usually in sandwich form. Zoos.

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The timing is bad…

…because I just came back from an AMAZING trip to Hawaii (more on that later). But, I read this today and it did nothing if not resonate with me completely.

“I know from my own upbringing how useless it is to compare [a] child’s circumstances to the far worse circumstances other people have, i.e., “At least you never go to bed hungry.” When you are feeling miserable about the state of your family, a pantry full of Ramen is a cold consolation.” -Michelle Tea

I really wish more people understood this.

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“Help me out,” said the minnow to the trout
“I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth
Oh, help me, chief, I’ve got plans for you and me
I swear upon this riverbed, I’ll help you feel young again.”

Oh, not your everyday circumstance…
The hummingbirds taking coffee with the ants

And I said, “Please, I know that we’re different
We were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we’re made of was all the same once
We’re not that different after all.”

“Help me out,” said the eagle to the dove
“I’ve fallen from my nest so high above
Oh, help me fly, I am too afraid to try
Now set up in this fear of heights
I’m praying you can set me right.”

Oh, not your everyday circumstance…
The elephants sharing peanuts with the rats

And I said, “Please, I know that we’re different
We were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we’re made of was all the same once
We’re not that different after all.”

– A Fine Frenzy, The Minnow and the Trout from the album “One Cell in the Sea”

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“The thing is, I don’t understand you. In fact, I’ve never understood you. You make decisions based solely on how the consequences will affect you, only you. You love me one minute, then hate me the next. You tell me that you can’t stand qualities about me that you exhibit yourself on the regular. You blame me for problems you’ve created in your life, problems that it’s not even feasible I could be responsible for. You lied to people about me, in a most unacceptable fashion, thinking yourself safe and justified in your cruelty. I know you don’t see it that way and I suspect you can’t, not even with a magic mirror. Not even with me telling you, right now. And, right now, you’re probably thinking that I’m the crazy one, the delusional one, the weak and unhappy mess that can’t overcome anything without someone else to blame. But darling, that’s you all over. You in a processed nutshell. I cared about us, I really did, but you’ve pushed me out with such violent silence and emotional wreckage that I can’t even muster enough emotion over you to be angry anymore. I just don’t really care. A little, sure. How could I not, when I’ve loved you so long? But not enough to try to bring you back to me. If you want to go, please go. If you want to stay, you know where to find me. Just know that I know more about what you really think of me than you’d ever suspect. You should’ve kept quiet. Humans, in general, are not trustworthy. It’s a unfortunate truth, but in this particular case, it allowed me to open the drapes and see the sky again. I’m not by any means the only person who knows what you are, and somewhere inside that broken heart of yours I suspect you know, too. You’re not dumb, just blind. Unwilling and really, irresponsible. A lot of us choose to be blind. I chose to be blind, with you, and so did so very many people. But from that blindness came confusion, pain, sadness, rage. I’ve cried over you for what seems like years. And now that I’ve realized that I don’t understand you, I’ve also realized that I don’t really want to. You’re a wreck, darling. And you’ll stay that way probably forever. Waiting for you to change is like waiting for angels to rescue me from this half-life I’ve created to make you happy. To hide from you, and your inexplicable outrage at anything and everything that displeases you. I’ve got nothing left for you, darling. You already took away everything I had to give, and when that wasn’t enough, you discarded me like a piece of unworthy trash until you needed me for some paltry errand again. When you fall from grace–and you will fall–I don’t want to be around to watch. And I certainly won’t be there to clean up after you. Not this time.”

-Natasha’s monologue from “Humans,” a short play by Maria Berkovsky. Translator unknown.

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Confessions, #26

#26: What element do you most identify with?

The stars say air. I’m a Libra, after all, and it’s my assigned element. It’s supposed to rule me, my actions and thoughts, my essential character. But air is fickle; it’s intangible, unpredictable, and while necessary in a shit-that-is-alive-needs-it-in-order-not-to-suffocate-and-die way, it’s not generally at the forefront of anyone’s thoughts.

Until they don’t have it anymore.

I’ve often felt that way, depressing and e-hee-hee-mo as it is. As though I’m sort of floating around, passing in and out of peoples’ lives, only truly missed when I’m not actually around anymore, and maybe not even then. Pissing people off when I blow too hard (go ahead. I’ll give you a minute to giggle and think of manparts); relieving people, if only momentarily, of any dreadful heat, knowing that they’d prefer water if it were available but hey! At least I’m there to take the pressure off. And, still somehow essential enough that I get only the coldest of shoulders offered when I stop busting my ass to please people, or if I fail to rise to my expected position of “chick that stands in the middle and wishes you’d just freaking TRY to acknowledge that a perspective exists outside of your own, explains the other person’s side to you even though you don’t really care and just want someone to listen to you, tries to nudge you into accepting that you’re wrong or have done something wrong AT LEAST SOMETIMES OHMYGOD.”

I would say I don’t mean to complain or sound snooty but seriously. This is my life at least eighty percent of the time, and these situations can arise in any environment: relationships (usually not mine, thank god), work (always fun to be the deciding factor between two of your superiors. Ha.), friendships (::cries::), dance class (ridiculous), tutoring the wee ones. For example, one of my (very young and not at all worldly) students recently said something so totally, incredibly wrong that I ended up spending the better part of his lesson explaining to him why ethnicity does not necessarily indicate birthplace and that it certainly doesn’t require you to belong to, or keep you from being a part of, certain religions. Conclusion: kids are pretty ignorant. And so are a lot of adults. Especially the kind of adults that would tell their nine-year-old son that black people are all from Africa and therefore (aBUH?) can’t be Christian.

Can I get a “What the fuh…?”

I almost asked him if his parents knew my very religious, VERY Midwestern family and if they had perhaps sat down to dinner with them and been brainwashed. But I refrained. I happen to like the sixty dollars a week I get from these fools super forward-thinking people. ::cough::

So. The stars are right. And, it’s important to note that nothing on this earth–including fire, water and the dirt beneath our feet–can survive without air.

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